Another One of Those Things

It's another one of those things they don't tell you when you lose a child: 80% of couples who lose a child will ultimately split.

Wow.

That number is huge.

I'm thinking about that today because a number of my blogger friends have been writing about their marital difficulties post deadbaby. And it rings true for me, those marital blues. And while I don't think I'm ready to get into my marital troubles in depth, let's just say I've had them, and am having them, and some days I think to myself, "If Ben hadn't died, we would be okay."

Which may or may not be true.

Grief has gotten in the way of my relationship over the last five years; we each grieve so differently, my husband and I. I grieve harder, while he doesn't know how to let it go. I wrap myself up in my own little world to get through the days (though this is not so much true anymore as it was) and ignore what my husband needs. I get it wrong, so many times.

And I'm tired.

Today is not a great day, despite the sun finally shining down on us, after 10 inches of snow dumped on us yesterday, on top of the 1.5 feet we already had. I don't like winter, I don't like feeling so ... down, inadequate, and ... well, useless, as I do right now. And part of that is my marriage.

I just want to feel okay.