What If They Come For Me?

If you live in the States, you've likely seen the news that Bobby Franklin, a House Republican in Georgia, has introduced a bill in that state that would nullify Roe v. Wade and require law enforcement to investigate miscarriages as suspected acts of "prenatal murder."

Because a miscarriage itself isn't traumatic enough.

As wild and outrageous as I think Mr. Franklin's bill is, it makes me wonder: how far might this go? I don't believe this bill will pass (please God) but if it did, what about mothers like me who give birth to a dead baby who appears outwardly normal? What if you are among the 50-60% of parents whose baby is stillborn for reasons unknown?

Will they come for you?

Ben died because of a knot in his umbilical cord, and I was so strangely grateful that I knew why he died. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been to not know the cause of his death. And I can only imagine how very, very much worse it would be if some legislator got the idea that maybe my child's stillbirth was prenatal murder and I needed to be investigated, maybe even charged with murder.

Sound far fetched? Yes, I think so too. But this legislation in Georgia is outrageous enough to make me believe it could happen. Or be considered. As Americans, can we accept this? As bereaved parents?

I can only assume Mr. Franklin has no idea what it means to have a miscarriage. I wonder if he has experienced real loss. I could rant about politics here, but I won't. But I wonder, whatever happened to compassion?

After a Stillbirth: How Did Your Marriage Survive?

I'm working on an article on couple communication after a stillbirth for Babies Remembered magazine. It's hard to look back on the two years after Ben died and remember how ineffectively my husband and I communicated. We were both so lost in our grief and unsure how to help each other. Too tired, too worn, sometimes, to even begin to think of helping the other. I'm not proud of that time, not at all.

I stopped speaking to him, other than to say those things truly necessary. I didn't talk to him about how I felt, ask him how he felt: I simply tried to keep moving, to find the future, to stop hurting. I only wanted to stop hurting. Little did I know that by not talking to him, I was making the hurt worse for both of us.

I referenced this study a few months ago, which stated that couples who experience a miscarriage have a 22% higher risk of breaking up over a 15-year period, while those who experienced a stillbirth had a 40% higher risk of breaking up. My reaction to it was: no kidding. But when someone told us something similar 7 years ago, neither one of us believed Ben's death would harm our marriage.

We were so wrong. We've repaired the damage now, but it took a long, long time. Some days the trouble rears its ugly head, the same things we experienced then, and we are thrust back into those dark days of being unable to communicate, if only for a few hours. It's damn hard work, fixing a broken marriage, healing a broken heart.

I wish I had fully realized that men and women grieve differently, I wish I had fully acknowledged that my husband and I were going to go about mourning Ben differently. That his way was not wrong, any more than my way was right. I wish I'd known to keep talking to him, I wish I'd been able to let him break down when he needed to.

Looking back, what do you wish you had known about keeping your partnership intact?

No Psychological Risk in Children Born After a Stillbirth

This study on children (and their mothers) born after a stillbirth, is from July 2009 (hmm...am I a little behind? Yes.), but it's still interesting.

When I was pregnant with James, I (and my husband) was terrified that, among many other things, we would view the new baby as a replacement, or that we wouldn't be able to love him as much as we loved Ben, that my anxiety during the pregnancy would have a negative effect on him.

None of that came true: James is his own, unique individual, happy-go-lucky, sweet, funny, and one of the loves of my life. I can't imagine not having him here.


So I was interested in reading about this study, from The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, of mothers who experience a stillbirth and go on to have another child. It states that "There is no evidence that children next-born after stillbirth are clinically at risk compared to children of non-bereaved mothers."

But it goes on to say:

"However, the study did find evidence of less optimal mother-child interaction. Stillbirth can be a major psychological trauma to parents. Anecdotal accounts have suggested that children born subsequent to stillbirth of a sibling may be psychologically vulnerable. . . . 
The researchers found no significant between-group differences in child cognitive or health assessments, or in teacher-rated child difficulties. However, mothers in the index group reported increased child difficulties, in particular peer problems, and there were higher levels of maternal criticism of the child's actions."

I'm not sure I understand why a mother would be overly critical of her rainbow baby, but perhaps it's not for me to understand. All I know is I adore my rainbow baby, I'm no more critical of him than his sister, and that James has brought me more joy than I could have ever dreamed of after Ben died.


I know, without a doubt, just how damn lucky I am to have him. I wouldn't change him if I could and every day I say a prayer of gratitude to whatever gods there be that I have all of my children in my life.


For those of you who have had a rainbow baby, how do you feel about what this study says? Does any of it resonate with you?

The Grief Blog

A new-to-me resource for all who grieve the loss of anyone they love. Run by a mother-daughter team of psychotherapists, Gloria and Heidi Horsley. They have a blog, answer questions, run a weekly radio show and have all sorts of articles for dealing with the grief of losing a stillborn child, a parent, sibling, spouse, and more.

We can use all the help we can get as we travel this bumpy road.

Causes of Stillbirth

The causes of stillbirth are many. For some, like me, their baby will die because of a knot in the umbilical cord, or a cord wrapped around the neck.

For others, they will never know what happened, why their baby died.

If you look into it, do a Google search on stillbirth, you will find articles on an increased risk of stillbirth after IVF, after chemotherapy for childhood cancer, chromosomal abnormalities, gestation growth problems, placental abruption, on and on and on.

And as mothers, we blame ourselves. For not paying enough attention, for not knowing when our baby died, for not knowing something was wrong. But all of these things were out of our control. No blame required.

I know, without doubt, that we need to know more, have more research done, more studies, more warning signs identified. Until we have national momentum to eradicate stillbirth, we will never decrease these numbers. Until we have enough people who care, who call attention to the numbers, it will never change.

Words From a Doctor about Stillbirth

Dr. Alexander Heazell, a clinical lecturer in obstetrics in the U.K., is one of us. The father of a stillborn child. And he wants the medical community, society, the world, to end the silence about stillbirth. 

In a recent edition of the British Medical Journal, Heazell writes about his son's stillbirth, noting that, in the UK, there is an average of 10 stillbirths daily, or 4,000 a year--which he points out is the number of babies one hospital might be expected to deliver in a year. He says such deaths are "under-researched and under-prioritized" because of society's reluctance to deal with stillbirth out in the open.

In an article I found on www.EmaxHealth.com, Heazell is quoted, “Thirty years ago, no one talked about cancer. Today the diagnosis and treatment of cancers is improving all the time. If parents are brave enough to speak, and doctors, midwives and policy makers courageous enough to listen to them, then the barriers to reducing the number of these deaths can be overcome. In time stillbirth, like cancer, will no longer be taboo, but a condition that’s openly debated, researched, treated, and prevented.”

What If?

What if 5,479 teenagers died suddenly every day, for no apparent reason?

That number is half of the approximately 10,958 infants who are stillborn every day in the world. Approximately 50% of stillborn babies die without any known cause.

Do you think the world would sit up and take notice? Do you think doctors, medical researchers, governments would take action? Do you think there would be an outcry?

I do.

I also think the world would demand answers.

We are losing 10,958 infants to stillbirth every day. When, I ask you, will someone take notice and do something?

Shades of Gray

A few days ago I put up a post about the difference between stillbirth and miscarriage, after I had a friend refer to Ben's death as a miscarriage.

Several readers commented that, technically, their losses were somewhere in between a miscarriage and a stillbirth, in a strange gray area where there are no appropriate words in the vernacular to describe what they endured. Even though they had vaginal deliveries and saw and held their children. One reader's sons were born at 17 weeks gestation, within those shades of gray.

Another reader's son was born at 16 weeks gestation and took one breath. Only one.

And yet another delivered her twins in the UK, where a miscarriage is classified as a loss before 24 weeks. Her girls were delivered at 23 weeks. One of them lived, one of them died.

What can we learn from all this, you ask? I think we learn that there are few areas of black and white in this world, that we need compassion more than we need absolutes. We learn that loss takes many forms and cuts far deeper than many of us can ever know.

We learn that numbers mean almost nothing at all when faced with unfathomable grief.

Global Report on Preterm & Stillbirth

I received notification of the Global Report on Preterm & Stillbirth, which was just released. It identifies causes of stillbirth and prematurity as well as interventions that could prevent or improve what study researchers term "under-addressed outcomes." In otherwords, stillbirths, which happen to 3.2 million families each year, according to their report--that little thing no one wants to talk about.

I find it interesting how the researchers quoted in the release admit that far too little attention has been paid to preterm births and stillbirths. I can only hope people pay attention.

Here's a little more about the paper, with link:

"The Global Report on Preterm & Stillbirth, published with the BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth’s latest supplement, identifies known causes and 21 proven interventions that could now be widely used to improve these extremely distressing yet under-addressed outcomes. Additionally, it outlines the urgent need for increased focus and attention on research. This is crucial for understanding the magnitude, causes, and consequences of preterm birth and stillbirth, and for speeding up the development of diagnostics, treatment and prevention strategies.

The report, led by the Global Alliance to Prevent Prematurity and Stillbirth (GAPPS), and supported by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and Seattle Children’s, is a collaborative effort undertaken by an interdisciplinary team of maternal, newborn and child health experts from around the globe.

“We can save more lives, but we urgently need more action and resources to better understand the causes of prematurity and stillbirth, and to guide development of cost-effective interventions,” said Dr. Craig E. Rubens, executive director of GAPPS. “For the first time ever, experts from around the world have agreed to a comprehensive, evidence-based approach to solving these global tragedies.”

Great Article for Co-Workers of Those Who Have Lost a Baby

I just discovered a fantastic article at Open to Hope on how employees can help their co-workers who are returning to the office after a stillbirth. Though I was a stay-at-home mom when Ben died, I know there is a need for this information and hope it helps people learn what to do--and what not to do--in this situation.

Click here for the article.

Stillbirth Makes Headlines at Newsweek

Just a quick update before I get ready for my day: Jessica Clark-Roe, of the organization Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, which trains photographers to take portraits of stillborn babies--or babies who aren't expected to survive--and their families, has placed two articles about her organization and stillbirth in Newsweek magazine. The links are here and here.

More from me later....