It All Comes Down to This

Summer is waning, much as I hate to admit it. I glanced at the calendar the other day and realized that, in four weeks, school begins. My daughter starts 4th grade on a Tuesday, and my son begins kindergarten two days later, a shortened week of two 1/2 days before beginning full days the following week.

And I was browsing our community magazine a day or two ago, looking at the library's offerings for children, preschool story times, baby sign classes, and realized: It's over. My boy is too old for story time now, we've left it behind. We've left behind the diapers, first steps, nap times, all those baby things I love.

This is what we work for, as parents, we work to leave behind the baby years, we nurture our children and encourage them to take risks, feed them their fruits and vegetables, push them out and away from our protecting arms because it is what we are supposed to do. They are supposed to grow and change and leave us.

But I don't want them to leave me.

I am just past 40 now, closing in on 41 -- my birthday is in just a few weeks. I spent the decade of my 30s focused on babies -- having them, wanting them, overcoming the grief of losing one, deciding whether or not to have anymore. We first started trying for a baby when I was 29, though didn't manage pregnancy for over a year, along with the help of medical intervention, and my first child was born when I was 31. Three years later, Ben. 20 months after that, James, just before I turned 36. Followed by four more years of wanting another, debating having another, knowing all the while that there would be no more babies for us. (I am not quite reconciled to this decision, nor do I think I will ever be.)

And though there are many years of parenting ahead of me, I am having trouble letting go of that baby-obsessed decade. I'm having trouble letting go of the best things I've ever done, trouble pushing them out of the nest. And this is what it comes down to: letting them go, when I will always want to hold them in my arms like I did when they were born.

There is so much I didn't know: how hard it would be, nor how wonderful. How fast they would grow and leave me behind.

A Baby Candle

Some of you may recall that my husband and I light a special candle every year on the anniversary of Ben's birth. This candle was given to us by friends and used on the day of his memorial service; we light it only once each year.

Friends of mine started a company, Luna's Light (there's another link over there on the right), in memory of their sister Shannon, who died unexpectedly in her early 20s. They provide resources for grieving families. Recently (ok, not so recently; a few months ago - I am remiss in posting this) we met up for coffee and conversation, and they gave me one of their company's newest offerings, a baby candle.  (And yes, I totally stole this image from their site...a better picture than I could do! Michele & Kelly, let me know if this is not ok!)

It really is a gorgeous candle and I love having something to light "just because" I miss Ben. His other candle is special, only for his anniversary, while this is special because my friends gave it to me in his honor and I feel free to use it whenever I want. 

Click on over (to go right to their candle selection, click here - they have many more), browse around, place an order if you like or refer a friend. Tell them I sent you - they're great people and are devoted to helping anyone who is grieving a loss.

Go Read This Post

... and see if it doesn't change how you feel about your day.

Jennifer Lawler's daughter Jessica has a seizure disorder. When she was 9 months old, surgeons removed half of Jessica's brain. Her daughter is 13 now and they just received the bad news that Jessica has a hole in her spine, which surgeons hope to fix on August 10th. Jennifer wrote this post over on her blog, Finding Your Voice, which might just rip your own heart to shreds.

Go read it, and send a prayer, or good thoughts, or whatever you believe in, their way.

A New Book About Stillbirth

And this time, I'm in it.

Well, not exactly "in" it; I'm actually the author of one essay in a book slated to be published in November. It's called They Were Still Born: Personal Stories of Stillbirth. I was contacted by the book's editor, Janel Atlas, over a year ago to ask if I would be interested in contributing an essay to her proposed anthology, and I agreed. I'm very excited to hold a copy of the book in my hands.

It's available for pre-order now at Amazon.

Writing and Yoga

So, I expect you've noticed the yellow icon over there about yoga and writing. I'm doing a yoga and writing challenge for 21 days, just because. I've got some lower back issues that like to crop up from time to time, and yoga helps alleviate some of the trouble. Yoga is also good for my mental health, which is more important to me at the moment, quite honestly. I'm little miss stressed, generally.

As far as the writing, well, I've been working on some things, and though I'm in the editing stage right now, a challenge is a useful thing for me. I don't have as much time as I'd like to be part of the community of individuals taking the challenge, but I'm there in spirit. So no, I'm not writing 800 words a day, but I'm editing that many most days, if not more. And getting in a few sun salutations or warrior poses too.

If you're curious about the challenge, click on over to Bindu Wiles's site. What are you challenging yourself to do these days by way of self-improvement?

Please

If you're pregnant, don't send me an e-mail with the subject "Bad News." Because when I work up the courage to read it and discover there is NOTHING truly bad in the body of that message, I will spend the rest of the day trying not to weep.

School's (Almost) Out for the Summer

With less than a week of school left for my 3rd grader, I thought I'd turn to the lighter side of life and list a few summer goals for my family. (A girl's gotta have a dream.)

This summer, I hope to convince my children of the following:

1. It only takes 5 steps to move from the left of the kitchen sink, where you normally place your dirty dishes, to directly in front of the dishwasher, where you can place them directly in said receptacle, freeing your mother up from an extra 15 seconds of work 36,322 times per day.

2. Bickering with your sibling may commence at 7:59 a.m., but not a moment before.

3. While the ice cream truck may pass by our house twice each day, you're not getting a treat any more than once a month. If you're lucky.

4. Foods with high fructose corn syrup, that are overly processed, or colored any kind of unnatural shade (I'm talkin' to you, Cheetos) are not a healthy part of anyone's diet.

5. TV is a privilege, not a right.

My personal summer goals:

1. Lose 10 lbs. (This has been a goal for the last, oh, 40 years of my life.)

2. Beat the overgrowth in my yard into submission, once and for all. (This has been in progress for 5 years.)

3. Maintain (some might say find) my sanity.

4. Organize the piles of papers, books and child artwork littering my house. Perhaps even unionize those dust bunnies.

5. Win the lottery. (But since you have to play to win, and the only time I've bought a lottery ticket was actually when my grandmother-in-law purchased one for me....well, you know.)

Anyone care to share summer goals, real or imagined?