Every year, 26,000 babies are stillborn in America. In 2003, one of them was my son.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Another One of Those Things

It's another one of those things they don't tell you when you lose a child: 80% of couples who lose a child will ultimately split.


That number is huge.

I'm thinking about that today because a number of my blogger friends have been writing about their marital difficulties post deadbaby. And it rings true for me, those marital blues. And while I don't think I'm ready to get into my marital troubles in depth, let's just say I've had them, and am having them, and some days I think to myself, "If Ben hadn't died, we would be okay."

Which may or may not be true.

Grief has gotten in the way of my relationship over the last five years; we each grieve so differently, my husband and I. I grieve harder, while he doesn't know how to let it go. I wrap myself up in my own little world to get through the days (though this is not so much true anymore as it was) and ignore what my husband needs. I get it wrong, so many times.

And I'm tired.

Today is not a great day, despite the sun finally shining down on us, after 10 inches of snow dumped on us yesterday, on top of the 1.5 feet we already had. I don't like winter, I don't like feeling so ... down, inadequate, and ... well, useless, as I do right now. And part of that is my marriage.

I just want to feel okay.


Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

I'm so sorry to hear you too are experiencing marital troubles. It seems like a theme this week, in blogland and in my real world encounters. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

mrsmuelly said...

I know...I remember coming across that statistic after our first loss. It scared the begeesus out of me. But since we both knew the statistic, I think it made us that much more determined to not be part of that statistic. It's been really hard fo just the reason you wrote - we grieve completely different. I'm not sure that I'm more sad than him, but I definitely show it more. He's strong for me.

He also didn't bond with the boys like I did since I carried them in me - which makes his grief quite different. With Cooper, our first, he completely beat himself up for not just sitting with me and trying to feel his kicks. Finding that out made me feel better in a weird way. I think the most important thing we've learned is just to tell eachother things.

I'm so sorry that this comes on top of everything else...but you can be determined to not join the statistic.

Monica H said...

I believe that number. But, man it sucks, doesn't it?

I didn't realize that it was so high though. We've had our fair share of issues over the last year and until now, have we been able to overcome them. I just blogged about this, BTW.

I know the desperation and the sadness, the uselessness you feel and for that I'm sorry. I do hope that you and yours can figure something out. I hate to hear that you're hurting. So sorry.

Anonymous said...

I just hope my son and daughter-in-law make it through this; I know my son ended up not being able to be in the room with her when she was born. I hope that doesn't cause a problem later on.