Every year, 26,000 babies are stillborn in America. In 2003, one of them was my son.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Nonfat Vanilla Lattes Make Me Happy

I'm sitting in my favorite coffeeshop this morning, both kids in school after endless colds and runny noses. I have needed this morning out for weeks and I'm so happy I'm finally getting it. I've been in a rut for a while, tired of being a domestic diva, longing for a job out of the house, desperately needing a change. Trouble is, I don't know what sort of change I need. Maybe just a getaway to someplace new, maybe something more than that.

The other day, I had a fight with my husband. I retreated to my room in tears, crying in a way I don't cry all that often anymore——the great, wrenching sobs accompanied by utter despair. The sort of crying I did a lot after Ben died, and I wondered, after I'd stopped crying, how I survived his death. How I survived those weeks and months of desperation and sorrow? How did I survive the pain? I'd forgotten just how awful it was, the depths of it——oh, don't get me wrong, I remember it was awful, but I'd forgotten the feeling of crying, grieving, missing so intensely, with all my body.

How does anyone survive it?

The thing is, I did. We do. In part, you survive it because there is no other choice: you can opt out of life, kill yourself, become catatonic——but if you have people who love you, whom you love, you know it's not an option. And yes, there were times when I wanted only to die, so I could be with Ben, but I couldn't leave my family with that pain. I chose to keep going, I chose to find my happiness again, hard as it was. And no, I'm not always happy. But no one is. Everyone, sooner or later, will feel the pain of a broken heart; none of us are immune. I still miss him. I still grieve him. And I still want him back. But what I have? These children who have lived, this life——this beautiful, amazing, heartbreaking life. I'm grateful for it, in all its ups and downs, grateful for those nonfat vanilla lattes I dream about while at home doing my diva thing.


Monica H said...

Sometimes you need time to yourself. Time away from the ordinary. Quiet. I hope you get more of it.

Iced Mocha Lattes do it for me :-)

mrsmuelly said...

I agree. How did we survive all that? How did we ever get through it?

Debbie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Debbie said...

Why can't we just edit our comments? I posted it before I was done. :P


I could have written this myself. You know, we do have a choice, we either live or we turn into exactly what you described. We grieve, but we live. We have to.

I'm glad Nonfat Vanilla Lattes make you happy, and I think you should make it a point to treat yourself to one more often. :)

Name: Holly Bowne said...

Okay, now I have a huge lump in my throat. but you said it all when you wrote:

"this beautiful, amazing, heartbreaking life. I'm grateful for it, in all its ups and downs..."

A beautiful post.

Kelly H-Y said...

Hi Virginia ... you won a copy of Christina Katz's book, "Writer Mama ..." on my website today! If you wouldn't mind sending me your e-mail address and/or your mailing address, so Christina can send you your book, that would be great ... you can e-mail me at kellyhoeckelberg@msn.com! Thanks!

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