Every year, 26,000 babies are stillborn in America. In 2003, one of them was my son.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Strange Dreams and Random Thoughts

So, I had two very strange dreams last night. In the first one, my husband got a new, very high-powered job that he neglected to tell me about. An acquaintance congratulated me on his new job, and told me there was some sort of press conference or meeting that I could go to and see my husband. So, I did. I walked into this room with a bunch of powerful people who were delighted to see "the wife," and there was my husband, at the end of a table, in a fancy suit, looking happy. Until he saw me, because he knew he was in trouble.

I ran away, angry and crying, he followed, and we had a huge argument about his lying to me about the job, which came with a big, beautiful new house with a lake view and a staff of two. I gave him back my wedding ring and told him I was leaving, while the staff tried to persuade me to stay.

When I told my husband about my dream this morning, he said that he thinks the dream was more about me being insecure than anything else. I would agree. (I will say, however, that his company is going to be laying people off in his department tomorrow - don't know how a dream about him getting a new job quite relates.)

My other strange dream was about a school project my daughter had to do. She brought home this lengthy handout which she had to read and report on. This was the 2nd time she had brought home this particular report, needing, for some reason, to do it over. The topic of the handout? Stillbirth.

Now where the hell did that come from? Why would a 2nd-grader have a report about stillbirth, given to her twice, to complete as homework? As I recall, there was something about her teacher knowing about Ben, and trying to make a point to me, though I have no clue what the point was.

It's not like my daughter has been asking about Ben recently; she doesn't even know the world "stillborn" as far as I know. I don't think we've ever used that particular term with her to describe Ben's death; it just never came up.

In the rest of my life, I am feeling tired and discouraged, for a number of reasons. Things are going on I really can't talk about, things I don't see a solution to, and I'm finding that hard. I've got that Jimmy Buffett song in my head "...wastin' away again in Margaritaville..." - which definitely correlates to my state of mind; I'd like to waste away in Margaritaville for a little while myself.

1 comment:

Monica H said...

I'll waste away with you if you want. If you need to talk, youhave me as a friend.