Every year, 26,000 babies are stillborn in America. In 2003, one of them was my son.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Death's Dark Shadows

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel...

Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel

It's little wonder to me now, how my favorite Christmas hymns and carols have always been the gloomier ones, the ones that speak not of "the most wonderful time of the year" but of "I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams," and "From now on, our troubles will be out of sight." The melancholy songs. Which is how I feel today. Melancholy. Six years without Ben for Christmas.

What does it mean, "death's dark shadows put to flight?" I know, Christ come to save the world, promising reunion in heaven for the righteous, but here, now, I want to scoff at those lyrics. Because God didn't save my son. Even though I don't believe that's what God does.

I just miss him. That's all.

Six years ago, right now, he was alive. And six years ago, in 7 days, he was gone.


Anonymous said...

So many carols have another meaning for me now - na dyes that tends to be the darker ones for sure.

It must be hard for you having Ben's anniversary so close to Christmas. I hope you find some peace and joy this year.

Take care

Debbie said...

(((hugs))) Virginia. Wish I could offer more than that to you.

I know how you feel. I've been doing it all week. I looked at the clock this morning and though, 3 years ago right now, she was still alive. :/

margaret said...

I'm so sorry Ben isn't here with you in body this Christmas. Wishing you peace over the holidays

Laura said...

I am so with you! Six years- Really? Six years? How does that happen??? When I sat in church and listened to "Sleep in heavenly peace" I found myself with tears streaming down my face- (I know that isn't a dark one- but the carols all have different meanings for me when I listen now...) Remembering Ben- and hoping his anniversary brings some peace- six was hard for me... very very hard...

Monica H said...

6 years- wow. It seems like forever ago and yet it still feel fresh- like it just happened.

I wish you peace my friend as you are missing Ben. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a son so close to the holidays. But myheart goes out to you and I wish I could just give you a hug.

xoxo, Monica

B said...

Yes. I would like to a more literal experience of those magic words too.

Thinking of you at this sad time as you long for Ben.


Sula Lee said...

I am so sorry. Sending you peace and love.

Catherine W said...

Thinking of you and Ben over the coming days.

All the carols sound melancholy to me this year too. xo