Every year, 26,000 babies are stillborn in America. In 2003, one of them was my son.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

All This Time

After all this time, six years, I thought I might feel differently. I thought that maybe I wouldn't think of him every day, maybe I wouldn't still cry on his death day and birth day. But what did I know, back then? Not much, quite obviously.

I'm feeling very sad today, sadder than I could have imagined once upon a time. It's ok, I know, but at times I am so tired of feeling sad, so tired of missing Ben. I don't feel sad every day, but this week - well, this week is different, as I remember what we so nearly had. The Christmas songs don't help, the lights, the ornaments, all of it. Those things have always made me feel melancholy, long before my child died, and now, viewed through the lens of my loss, make me feel even worse.

In six years, what have I learned? That I will always miss him, every day, for as long as I live, or at least until Alzheimer's or some other form of dementia takes my memories of him away. Missing him is forever. Sad is forever too, but not in the same way. That will come and go. And I have realized that I will forever be the mother of a baby; as the rest of us grow older, as my two other children will grow to adulthood, as my husband and I begin to go gray, Ben will always be as he was the day he died: an infant, full of potential and possibility. Is it any wonder, then, how I long for a baby in my life? Any wonder that my arms still ache, after all this time, for the chance to hold him again?

9 comments:

Becky said...

(((hugs)) My friend, I'm thinking of you today and always.

I've learned along this journey that what I think will be, absolutely will not be. I never imagined 3 years later that I'd be this sad and that I'd be this tired of being so sad! Some days it hits me hard and is still debilitating, and others pass along without a second thought. Yet every single day for nearly 4 years, I let myself imagine if only for a second what it would be like to have 2 little boys running circles around me.

Living forever like this is not something that I've ever really thought about it. I imagine it will change, but maybe it won't. Maybe I'll be watching my grandchildren and wonder what my two babies are doing in heaven.

livingintherainbow said...

Virginia

As you have supported me and others, I hope you know support at this time.

I guess it isn't any wonder, no it isn't. Of course you feel this way - grief is the price we pay for love.

I could think of something more, but I don't think, in times like this that words are what is needed really.

So I will just say, once again I am sorry Ben is not with you. I am sorry life is hard. I remember Ben with you at this time.

I hope you know peace and another step of healing

Debbie said...

No Virginia-- it's no wonder at all.

I have had similar feelings this past week. The sadness and ache, it never leaves you. It just changes.

I'm sorry friend. It's such a heavy burden to carry, this I know for sure. Somedays it feels like it is going to pull you under, others you chug along without too much weight tied around your waist.

I imagine that feeling will always remain. Sending you lots of hugs tonight, Virginia. <3

Monica H said...

You'd think after all this time things would be easier. You'd hope anyway.

Just wanted to say that I agree with livingintherainbow, and that we support you at this time.

c. said...

I'm sorry this comes late. Keeping you and Ben in my thoughts.

Rebekah said...

(((HUGS)))
We will forever miss them just as we will forever be their mothers. It doesn't matter if it's two years or six or seventy... and yes, I still picture Levi as a baby too. I struggle thinking of him as the age he would be... I just remember him as the age he was.

Catherine W said...

Tears for you and Ben. The last paragraph of this post is absolutely gut-wrenching.

It has only been sixteen months since I lost my daughter but I can't imagine the ache ever fading entirely.

They will always be our babies. No matter how much time passes. xo

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