How to Do and Have It All

I've finally figured it out! The secret to doing everything you want to do with your life!

Hire someone to clean your house once a week and come in to do touch ups on an as-needed basis.

Hire a gardener to pull the weeds that keep returning no matter what you do. Hand said gardener your credit card and say, "Go to it."

Figure out where Mary Poppins is, or perhaps Super Nanny, and hire her. Pull ye olde credit card out again, for superior childcare is expensive.

Find an appointment setter/part-time schedule keeper to keep track of, and make, appointments to the vet, dentist, doctor, arrange for the plumber to come fix the leaky faucet, purchase the yearly pool pass, arranging play dates and dinner parties, and chauffeur the children to lessons and classes and to-and-from school.

It's very important to hire a chef to purchase and prepare healthy, organic, whole food meals. Ideally this would be done as inexpensively as possible and use many coupons. For if you do not use coupons, ye olde credit card might combust from the strain.

Spend one weekend clearing out all the junk in your house. Throw it on the front lawn for passersby to take.

Obtain some Valium to help with any residual anxiety, and then get to it. 55 books on your reading list? No problem! Career in need of revitalization? You're free to revitalize it! Spending quality time with the family and providing for their every need while earning enough money to pay for the extras? Easy! Learn a foreign language and lose 10 pounds? What are you waiting for! You now have a beautiful, clean house, a stunning backyard and beautiful meals instantly available. You too can do it all!

*If these tips fail you, I suggest throwing your hands up in the air, saying, "fuggedaboutit" and joining the circus. Which sounds like a damn fine plan to me right now.